Running from love

I was always running away from love

From the things that made my heart rejoice

Eschewing subjects at school that I loved, in favour of ones that were 'proper'. Denying further study on topics that fucking lit me up. Trudging into 9-5 corporate jobs instead..

I thought that's what I needed to do to be 'successful', but my heart didn't

The men that adored me - I knew how to offer them sex without limits, but my love hit a wall

I didn't know how to let my heart guide this sacred act

My firstborn, as I looked at him, my mind wondered why he didn't like me?

I couldn't hear my heart wisdom telling me that my 5 week old loves me. Absolutely, unconditionally

I thought I knew my heart, but I didn't. That realisation broke me and some days it still breaks me, because I'm still learning. Still trying to hear the songs of my heart

I can blame others; dysfunctional family, racist teachers, mean bosses, the bastards, the bitches...

That only works for a short while. It’s an inside job

I'm listening now

Remembering back to when I knew. As a child. Before I forgot.

Trying to hear the love story from my heart, from my inner child, from God*

My inner sense (innocence)

It's quite funny in a way. This thing called love which makes the world go round, that we can find so hard to make go round inside of us

Perhaps it is no coincidence that Earth is an anagram of Heart

That maybe the reason we have come here on this planet, is to unscramble this conundrum called love and meet it again ❤

.....

*God to me = life force energy, divine omniscience, source, universe, nature - not a man with a beard, just to clarify